Psychology Note #1 Narcissism and its Entourage: The Personality Disorders

Have you ever wondered that you are dealing with a very difficult person? Or, you are witnessing someone around you deal with a massive tantrum thrower or abuser? That they are putting in all the effort in pleasing the person, pandering to his/her ego, massaging it and comforting it? That it is a one-way street in the relationship?

Have you ever wondered that you are constantly second guessing whether you are going to be found fault at, criticized maliciously in private and in public for little or no fault of yours? That you will be the victim of someone's vicious temper, anytime, any day? Or, as mentioned earlier, you are witness to something on these lines happening to a person around you?

Have you ever felt you are or someone you know is being made to feel like an angry, wicked person who is going insane?

Look no further - you are not dealing with a mere control freak - these symptomatic behaviors have a clear name  and it is called narcissism (a rip off of the Greek mythological character, Narcissus) which is at a base level - about someone who loves himself or herself to an obnoxious level, to the extent of seeing no one else in context. The person in question could be anyone you know - a parent, a caregiver, a colleague, a sibling, an associate, a friend, spouse - just about anybody.

While I had first chanced upon this word in my late teens, thanks to my eclectic, well read elder sibling, my interest in and curiosity about this term led me to read up quite a bit only over the last year or so. The world of psychology dissects narcissism quite thoroughly and you get to understand the existence of  the ensuing narcissistic personality disorder, or "NPD", as it is known.

NPD is perhaps one of the world's oldest psychological anomalies, and has fascinated modern psychoanalysts in the 20th century, who went on to coin the term, and gave it its full definition.

Our interactions and experiences with narcissists fall into two broad categories: if you observe, you will be dealing with either an overt or a covert narcissist.

The overt narcissist is not difficult to identify, thanks to the obvious self aggrandizement that the person would exude.

The covert narcissist is the tougher one to identify.

A covert narcissist is as dangerous or more dangerous than the overt one - this character outwardly projects a great facade, but can go back and be terrible to very close ones, in particular, to a spouse.

After initially love bombing, they gradually lose interest and mentally drain the significant-other (SO) - by devaluing the person for their looks, their skills, among other things. This devaluation, more often than not, will not be very harsh on the face, but, will be consistent and systematic, and over a number of years, the other person starts believing in these criticisms. After all, a lie told a 100 times slowly tends to take the place of truth, doesn't it?  This practice of systematically making another person believe in the devaluation is famously called "gaslighting".

For the uninitiated, there is a famous 1944 Hollywood classic, "Gaslight", for your reference. Some of the scenes between the lead actors Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman (one of which I have shared here) are excellent references to what a covert narcissist can say to make his version sound authentic.



A covert narcissist plays the game in a Machiavellian manner, ensuring that his or her victim is part of a well crafted vilifaction campaign. Many a victim of such a campaign lose face in front of people, sometimes their own dear and near ones, since the covert narcissist would have already played the "victim", thus coloring the judgment of people around.

What piqued my interest as I kept reading was to understand the genesis of NPD. As I understand, the birth of the NPD begins very early in life - as early as 3-4 years of the person, and is generally caused by severe trauma such as abuse by a care-giver (a parent, step parent), or the death of a parent, trauma caused by being uprooted and abused by a care giver due to estrangement or death of parents. The grown-up narcissist becomes the mirror reflection of his childhood perpetrator/trauma. People with NPD generally are "empty shells" within themselves or so, psychoanalysts believe - with very little love and empathy to give to their near ones, since they have huge baggage of early experience which they carry into adult life.

Getting curious? For starters, Quora has some excellent references and answers around questions on narcissistic behavior. There are personality tests online that can give you a bird's eye view about yourself and the persons you are dealing with. Therapy from a good source is the ultimate solution, but when does a thief like to be called a thief? A narcissist can not be called out, unless the other person knows how to go about it, like a therapist.

So, the next time you are interacting with a very difficult person, you might want to step back a bit, and play psychologist in your own mind - what or who is he or she? You might land upon interesting answers that can help you to respond better, and not react. That is, if you wish to play doctor, doctor. It is best advised to leave a person with NPD to his or her own devices, and flee for your dear life, if you have the choice.